


cold little heart

by bettytail



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-07 16:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11063043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettytail/pseuds/bettytail
Summary: there comes a point where hearts become tired, and every feeling we have for someone burns out and dies inside of us.- christina bittar





	1. in the end

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place 10 years into the future.

Jughead wrapped his arms around Betty from behind. She was watching Veronica and Cheryl, Cheryl had just given birth to their twin babies and the sight was nothing but pure bliss. She rubbed his arm, and he leaned to whisper in her ear. 

“They’re beautiful.” He kissed her ear and turned her around to hold her. 

“They are,” she replied

She could feel a lump developing in her throat. Jughead and Betty had been trying for years unsuccessfully. They had both given up hope. Although neither of them had directly admitted it. This is just not meant to be her their life she thought.

She was happy for her friends Veronica and Cheryl. 

But that didn’t stop her from feeling an empty pit in her heart.

Cheryl motioned Betty and Jughead to come and hold the babies. 

“I’m sorry we’re totally coddling. You guys want to hold them?” She looked at Betty who hesitantly accepted.

Betty nodded her head and took the new born baby boy from Veronicas hands, he was so beautiful. He looked just like Cheryl full plum lips, and soft red hair. She looked up at Jughead who was now holding the new born baby girl. She looked so tiny in his arm. 

—

Jughead stared at his computer screen intensely scrolling through the endless pictures he had taken at the hospital. He figured that Veronica would be insisting she received the pictures he took as soon as possible to plaster all over social media, and although he would normally purposely make her wait he was feeling generous for once. 

Betty slid into the couch next to him.

“We should go to bed soon,” 

Jughead agreed pressing send on his email to veronica and closing his computer. He looked over at Betty who he could tell had been crying and he felt his stomach drop. 

He knew what it was about. Children. The subject had become a sore subject in their relationship.

“Betty.” He reached for her, and she laid her head in his lap. 

“I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about it.” 

He didn’t want to push. So he wrapped her hair around his fingers and leaned down to plant a small kiss on her forehead. 

“I love you.” he said planting another kiss this time on her lips. 

—

The next morning Betty woke up to the sight of Jugheads side of the bed empty. This had become a familiar sight for her. He usually left with Hot dog to go for a walk and then come back with breakfast. 

They both had stopped trying to cook all together their schedules had become so busy that they barely had time to eat meals together anymore. She couldn’t remember they last time they used the stove.

She heard the door click shut, and she stood up grabbing a hair tie from her side table and putting her hair up in a lazy pony tail. Jughead stood in the dinning table setting down his keys and a tray of coffee.

“I brought you back a bagel and oatmeal. I have no time for food. I have to head out soon, but i’ll join you while I answer some emails if you want.” 

The pecked each other on the lips and he handed her a coffee.

“No you go ahead. I’ll take it to work. I have to head out soon as well. I gotta go in early. Some last minute changes where made to the articles and they want me to go in to approve.” 

He nodded.

“I love you. see you later. I have a meeting with Archie later. So i’ll be having dinner with him. Don't wait up.” 

They kissed again, and then he left leaving her alone in their apartment. 

Betty sighed. 

“Love you too.” 

— 

Things hadn’t been good for a while. After they couldn’t have children they both had completely dived into their work head first. Keeping busy with whatever . There was a distance between them, but neither of them had wanted to mention it. It wasn’t like them not to speak up when something was wrong.

But they didn’t feel like themselves and honestly sometimes the distance felt welcomed. It wasn’t a loveless marriage, but the passion had long been gone. Long gone. They couldn’t even remember the last time they where intimate together. It felt kind pointless. 

It wouldn’t be fair to blame it all in their infertile misfortune, things had been rocky before hand thats why they wanted to have a baby in the first place, thinking that a baby could rebuild that spark between them. Little did they know it would only pull them further apart. 

They had been together for nearly 10 years and even though they loved each other love wasn’t enough anymore.

—  
The red head looked up at Betty who was standing at the door of her hospital suite. 

“Veronica isn’t here.” 

Betty approached the bed and placed a bag on next to Cheryls feet. 

“I know. I’m here to see you. You’re the one who just gave birth. I brought us lunch.” 

She pulled out two burgers and a strawberry milkshake for Cheryl and a vanilla for her. 

“It’s no pops, but it’s pretty good.”

Cheryl grinned and took the burger holding it up to her nose to smell.

“I haven’t had food. Real food for 9 months!” she took a bite and rolled her eyes back smiling. 

“Bless you,”

Betty chuckled and bite into her own burger. 

“Wheres Juggie?” Cheryl asked licking the salt from the fries of her finger tips. 

“Uh— some ‘business’ meeting with Archie.” She added air quotes around the word business and Cheryl shook her head. 

“How are things?” Cheryl the ever the subtle queen. 

“I don’t know.” Betty replied deciding to be honest instead of circling around the question. 

“Divorce is an option you know that right?” 

Betty swirled a lonely fry around the tray. 

“I’ve thought about it.” she answers honestly. 

Cheryl is taken back by Betty’s answer and before either one of them could speak on the subject further, a nurse bursts through the doors wheeling two carts with two hungry new born babies. 

“Time for dinner!” Cheryl shouts. 

—

“I need you with me. Theres no one else I trust with this project.” Archie insisted.

“I can’t just leave for Europe for 8 months. I have a studio to run. I have Betty.” 

Jughead was now circling around the room thinking to himself his best friend has finally gone crazy. 

“I’ll be paying you, plus you have people who can run the studio for you. Think about this as a real work opportunity don’t think about this as me asking as a friend. I know it sounds crazy, but this is a job not a come on tour with your best friend scheme.” Archie pushed. 

“I’ll have to speak to Betty,” He placed his hands on his forehead. 

“This would be great for me though.” 

Archie smiled and grabbed a couple of shot glasses from the bar. 

“So it’s a yes?” he started the pour the tequila. 

“It’s a maybe.” jughead added. he smiled and grabbed the shot glass taking it back and setting it down for another. 

— 

3:45 am.

Betty looked at her phone screen, and opened her phone to text Jughead. She began typing when she heard the door open. 

He quietly came into the room drunkly stumbling out of his shoes and clothe to crawl into bed. 

“Juggie.” he heard coming from Betty who was now sitting up searching for the light switch on her lamp. 

“Sh! go back to sleep.” he groaned and pulled the sheets that where still neatly made on his side to cover himself. 

He turned to look at her his eyes where tired and his hair fell on his forehead. 

“I’m going to Europe.” he was watching her more intensely now waiting for her to reply.

“How long?” 

“Four months.” Jughead wanted her to tell him not to go, but she simply nodded turned the lights off and rolled to her side turning away from him. 

It felt like a punch in the gut. This was the end. They both know it now.


	2. shark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I just want to say yes, this is a bughead fanfiction. Most of it will be written narrating them, but things could change in some situations. I might choose to focus on other characters in other chapters etc.

The water burned down Jugheads back, but he didn't mind the sensation. His head was pounding and his stomach felt weak. He was hungover. He had never been a big drinker before, but last night things got out of hand with Archie and the whole Europe thing that for once he decided his motto would be fuck it. 

A decision he now regretted. He shut the water off and stepped outside drying himself off and wrapping the towel around his waist. He stepped out into his bedroom to see Betty still sleeping. The sudden realization of what had happen last night comes. 

He rolls his eyes at himself feeling like a fucking dumb ass for having brought up Europe like he did. 

“Fucking asshole.” He whispers to himself. 

Jughead quickly dressed himself, and went out into the living room to order some breakfast. The order was nearly an hour wait so he decided he should catch up on some work while he waited for Betty to wake up. 

—

Betty was woken up by the sound of Jugheads music playing from the living room. It was nearly 11 am on a Saturday, so neither of them had work. She was dreading getting out of bed and seeing him there sitting with an open computer on his lap, eyes glued to the screen. 

So instead she would waste time here alone. She was playing with her wedding ring rubbing her thumb over it, when she heard a ring at the door and Jughead exchanging some small talk with another male, and the door was quickly closed again. It was only a couple seconds later she heard the sound of his steps coming down the hall with Hot Dogs nails hitting the hardwood following behind.

“I bought us some breakfast.” He said from the frame of their bedroom door. 

Betty nodded and stood up. 

“Thank you.” She pecked him on the lips, and they both walked to the kitchen together. 

They picked their belonging food containers and sat on their usual weekend breakfast spot. The balcony that had a pretty good view of the city which was actually a big selling point when they had been on a search for the perfect starter place. It was one of Jugheads requirements. It didn’t need to have a kitchen but it did need to have a nice view. 

“I think we should talk about yesterday.” Jughead says breaking the silence. 

“Sure,” she set her fork down and looked up at him.

“Archie wants me to go. It’s 8 months. It will be great for me— for us.” He reached to hold her hand. 

“I think you made up your mind. Plus I agree it will be great for us. We need time apart.” she squeezed his hand. 

“What do you mean?” He pulled his hand away. 

This wasn't necessarily how she wanted to tell him, she wanted to take a break from their marriage, but when was the right time to bring something up like this anyways? She had already made plans to visit Polly in California alone. 

“Juggie, things haven’t been great between us. I booked a flight for California last week. I didn’t book a return flight… We need time.” 

He stood up, and ran his fingers through his hair. 

“When where you going to tell me?” 

Betty brought her hands up in a shrugging motion. 

“I don’t know.” She really didn’t know, but that wasn’t what she wanted to say. 

She wanted to say she wanted more then a little space, she wanted to say she had looked for an apartment in San Francisco and even thought about sending a couple resumes. She didn’t say that, but she wishes she had. 

“I agree, we do need space. I don’t even know who you are anymore Betty.” His voice cracked. 

“I don’t either.” She wiped a lonely tear from her cheek and stood up, she wanted to wrap her arms around him, but he pushed her away. 

“I— I think its best if I go stay at the studio for a while till I leave. I’m taking Hot Dog to my dads he’ll be happy there while I’m gone you wont have to worry about him.” 

“I’m leaving the 3 rd of April. I’ll leave rent covered for the time being. I don’t know how long you’ll be gone…” He waited to hear her response. 

“I’m leaving the 7th. Jughead you don’t have to go to the studio. This is our home.”

He laughed a sadistic laugh and nodded. 

“This isn’t my home anymore. I thought it was.” 

His eyes glazed over with tears that clung to his eyes. 

“It is our home Juggie. I just— I don’t know whats wrong. I’ve lost myself. I always thought that you where everything I needed, but I was wrong. I have a hole in my heart, and not even you can fill it.”

 

Betty began to cry, she had never wanted this to be their life. Them falling apart like this. She really had tried everything to make their marriage work. He had too and she recognized that, but the fire and the love was gone, and they could no longer live this lie. Pretending to be happy when they where not. This wasn't a marriage. 

“I’m so sorry.” She covered her mouth with her hand trying to stop herself from sobbing. 

He grabbed her hand pulling her close to him. He wrapped himself around her. Laying his forehead onto her head. She in return wrapped her arms around his waist. Her sobs being muffled by the fabric of his shirt. 

She pulled away slightly and kissed him, His face was wet as well but they didn’t care. They just wanted to feel close. 

He kissed her more aggressively picking her up and setting her on the table behind them. She placed her hands on his face wiping at the tears coming from his eyes. He ran his finger through her jaw taking in the sight of her lips swollen from crying. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he carried her into the living room, placing her down on the couch. 

Betty quickly discarded both their shirts, exposing both their bare chest. Between kisses she struggled to pull down her pants. He was now kissing her neck both their breathing quickly escalating with every move. He unbuttoned his jeans kicking them off to join the rest of their clothes. His fingers running down her neck to her shoulders. He hesitated to go any further so he didn't 

“I can’t…” He laid his head in the crook of her neck for a second before pulling away.


	3. waves

5:30 am 

The next morning Jughead woke up in the same couch him and Betty had been in the morning before. He ached to make things right again. To fix whatever was broken, but even he knew when to stop. Some things can’t be fixed. Not right now anyway he needed… no they needed time to think and time apart. He understood that but having Betty bring it up like that wasn't something he had expected . It had caught him off guard to say the least. 

The sun had started to rise and the faint orange light hit Jughead in the face illuminating his long dark lashes and dark unruly curls. He ran his fingers through his hair and suddenly became aware of his wedding band still on his finger. It didn’t feel like it belonged there any more. He slid it off his fingers exposing the tan line that had formed from three years of wear. He reached for the leather string necklace he had received from Jellybean when they where children and untied the knot putting the ring through it before putting it back around his neck. 

He wanted to start packing but he knew Betty was most likely sleeping, but he had a 2 hour drive to Riverdale to drop off hot dog with Fp, and he wanted to get on the road the earliest he possibly could. Jughead would spend the night at Riverdale come back the next day stay with Archie and then they would be flying out. 

He purposely planned it so Betty wouldn’t have to see him. He didn’t want to see her either. The previous night they had both agreed this was for the best. They where done as of last night. They had know each other since they where four years old, a twenty-two year old relationship gone just like that. Nine years of dating, three years of marriage all gone. This wasn’t what either of them had hoped for. They wanted so much more. They had tried so hard to build something greater with each other, but sometimes things don’t work out. Thats the sad truth, and even when he never thought it would be his reality here he was. 

Turns out that even after twenty-two years you still might not truly know a person. 

Jughead stood from the couch throwing the blanket on Hot Dog who had loyally slept at his feet the whole night. He entered their bedroom to see Betty was still sleeping but this time she was on his side of the bed her arms wrapped tightly around his pillow. His stomach twisted, but he carried on walking into the closet to grab his suitcase. Only packing the essentials a couple pairs of jeans and some shirts and his favorite jackets.

They both decided Jughead would be keeping the apartment, and Betty would be looking for a place in San Francisco where she could be close to Polly. He insisted she was welcome to stay whenever she came to visit Veronica and Cheryl was he was gone, but she insisted it was probably better if she didn’t. She would pack her things and have Veronica ship them off when she found a place. 

She was sleeping so peacefully and for a second he almost leaned down to give her a kiss goodbye, but then he snapped back into reality and gently tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. 

He set his stuff down grabbing an empty amazon box from the corner of the dining room that was big enough to fit some of Hotdogs essentials, his food, some toys, bed and his blanket and a couple of his favorite treats. He took a couple trips down to his car before finally taking his last trip to get Hotdog who was impatiently waiting for Jughead to return. He did a final swoop of the room before finally turning the lights off and exiting. 

They had a long 2 hour drive to Riverdale but before they set way it was time for coffee and donuts for the trip. 

To be honest Jughead couldn’t even remember the last time he had visited Riverdale it must have been years. Betty and him usually would spend holidays at some luxurious destination Cheryl and Veronica would book for them all. A private jet to a fancy destination far away from the little town they had grown up in. 

Seems like such a distant memory now. The little town he use to dread now seem to have been frozen in time. The whole town feels like melancholy. The fog never seems to fade it’s almost as if its been forgotten by the rest of society, the town seems to be the same as the day he left. Apart from a few new store fronts. Pop’s chocklit shoppe still open 24 hours.

He can still remember their booth at pops, Betty by his side Archie sitting across. Those memories seem so far away now. 

Sunnyside Trailer Park. No pets.

Jughead laughed and scratched the back of Hotdogs ear who was clearly excited having already recognized where he was. His very own birthplace. Sunnyside was technically a pet free trailer park, but it was more of a suggestions then an actual rule seeming as every other house had a pet of some kind. 

Fp was sitting at the steps of his trailer doing some sort of crossword puzzle when he spotted Jughead driving up. He stood his steps now much slower and calculated. Who would have known that years of alcohol abuse and old age would do that to a person. He had been 5 years sober now, and even when Jughead and Betty had offered to buy him a home or move him up to New York to be closer Fp had refused still as prideful as ever even more so as he got older. 

Hotdog ran out to greet Fp tail wagging rapidly. Hotdog was now an elderly dog, but he still as alive as ever even with his arthritis he still somehow managed to run around and act like a puppy. Jughead had felt guilty that he took him out of all this beautiful open nature to stuff him in an apartment in the city, but these next few months where going to make up for it. 

“Dad,” He staggered to him giving him a hug. 

“Jughead,” Fp pulled away with a chuckle, any form of affection was uncomfortable for him. He looked back at Jugheads jeep and raised and eyebrow. “Wheres Betty?” 

Jughead scratched the back of his neck now as uncomfortable as Fp was a moment ago. “She’s back at the apartment. I actually have something to tell you,” he motioned to the trailer. Signaling for them to walk inside. 

They walked into the trailer Jugheads eyes instantly going to the kitchen counter. “So dad…Betty and I are taking a break” he looked up at his dad waiting to read his expression. 

But his expression was a pair or lips being tightly pulled together in thought before finally opening to speak. “Whatever it is you guys will get through it. You always have.”   
“This time it’s different. I don’t know if we will anyway— I don’t really want to talk about my failing marriage. I just thought you should hear it from me.” 

They both stood there in silent. Neither of them had ever been good at communicating with one another Fp had made sure of that since Jughead was young. Even with all the strides Fp had taken in his life. Their relationship was one that was never going to be resolved. The older that Jughead got the more he realized that fact and stopped trying to force Fp to be a father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me a while to write. i had a little bit of writers block.


	4. Soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place from Bettys perspective following last chapter. Also going to try some new things. I hope it turns out. We shall see. (by new i mean first person point of view.)

I had been laying in this big empty bed waiting for him to make his way to me. To hold me in his arms and to tell me I was going to be okay, but he wasn’t not this time. Not today, he had left early this morning with Hotdog. It has been hours since he left and I couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I just wanted to lay here and let the floor open and swallow me. The ceiling to fly off and be swallowed by some mysterious dark hole. 11:00 AM marked the alarm on my phone. It had been snoozing since 6 am this morning. How can I confront the world? How am I supposed to call my mother Alice Cooper and tell her “Hey mom guess what my marriage went to shit,” she would tell me something about how I can’t let that happen and how marriage isn’t easy but I have to go after him and fight and how in the hell can I just let him leave. “Elizabeth, this is your marriage it’s not easy but you fight for it.” I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want her to counsel me on marriage. 

The last thing I need is someones opinion on what we did wrong. When truth is there was nothing either of us could have done. Sometimes things simply don’t work out. I know we where once naive to believe that love could fix anything. Truth is that was furthest away from reality. Loving someone doesn’t always mean that things are meant to be. I have never in my life loved someone the way I loved him. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone that much. He was my home. Keyword being was. Somewhere along the way we both lost our way. I was never the kind of person who thought that there was such a thing as soulmates, but he made me believe in something. There was something about being loved by a person who hates everyone. Jughead Jones, you will forever be the first love of my life. I had hoped for forever, but whatever time I had with him was a gift. The truth is there are very few, if any people like him. He really is one of the good ones. 

It took me till 8 PM to get out of bed. I had packing to do and very little time to do it. I didn’t want to spend another day in this apartment. There is something truly sickening about this moment. My stomach is in knots as a close empty drawers and stack boxes in the living room. I labeled them quickly: fragile, books, clothes. I had contacted Veronica to give her only the minimum of details, but she agreed to pick up the boxes and send them out to sf. 

I stand here now looking at it. A large picture of out wedding day hangs above a dresser in our bedroom. Who are those people? Who is that girl, I honestly don’t recognize her. She was full of life. I lost all that a long time ago. I am a shell of her. Before I leave I take my wedding ring off placing it on the kitchen counter. It’s an odd feeling to have a bear hand, a tan line left behind. A small little reminder. 

Veronica has invited me to stay before I left for San Francisco , but instead I found myself on the train to Archies. I needed my best friend and no disrespect to Veronica who is also my very good friend and who is honestly a godsend , but Archie is my best friend the guy who has been there before anyone else. I took the elevator up to his loft that required a key to reach. A key I had for emergency use only. I'm sure by now he was aware that either me or Jughead the only people with a key was coming up. As I suspected when the door opened his bright red hair welcomed me. “Betty I wasn’t expecting you. I thought Juggie was coming.” I nodded I know, of course he would. Jughead and him are about to leave for 8 months. I’m sure they had a lot to talk about. “Archie… Jughead and I broke up last night.” I say before I can choke on my own tears. 

The look on Archies face before he takes me into his arms kills me. Its like I just told a child his dog died. His hug feels familiar and I feel like I am home if just for a second. Archie Andrews thank you for always knowing what to do to make me feel at peace. He pulls back if only to look at my face and pulls me closer again. “Betty, I hope this isn’t about Europe.” He says as he rests his mouth against the top of my head. I felt bad that I had neglected our friendship so much that he didn’t even know anything was wrong between me and Jughead. Archie and I had pulled apart in recent years. His career and my depression being the real wedge. The only way he could have known something was wrong is if Jughead had told him, but that’s highly unlikely. Jughead is not the type to talk about his issues with anyone, much less issues that involved our relationship. All Archie really knew was that we had tried for children and didn’t succeed. After that I became busy with work and he did too, and I barely got to see him other then for some dinners here and there. That’s the way our friendship works now. Archie and I are past the call me everyday so I know its real stage. I can go months without talking to him and one day just like today is all we need to know this right here is my best friend. It’s hard to explain that kind of friendship to people who haven’t had it or who are like Veronica and need that daily call to know. 

“Archie this isn’t about Europe, Jughead and I just needed space. We both agreed Europe is actually a good thing.” We move from standing there hugging to his couch. He brings back some alcohol from his bar and motions from a bottle of vodka to a bottle of tequila. I choose tequila and he serves me a shot. “This isn’t going to make anything better for you, but I need it.” He says and puts back a shot. I play with my glass for a while, before I chug it. I serve myself another and quickly take it down. “Archie…” I say putting the glass down on the table. “I left him. I bought a plane ticket days ago.” He puts down his glass as well. “Betty, I can honestly without a doubt say this you and him. It’s not over. You guys are soulmates. He has been in love with you since he first laid eyes on you. Whatever it is you guys are going to work through it. I’ll fire him for you Betty. Keep him in America.” I can’t help but laugh at his ridiculous proposition. “It’s not that simple. I'm filing for divorce Arch. This time there is no simple solution.” He reaches for my hand and holds it. “Betty, remember what I said. This isn’t over. Divorce or not. Soulmates always find a way.” I squeeze his hand and smile at him. There is something so childish about him in this moment. I can almost imagine him holding Fred’s hand in this same way the day his mother left them. Reassuring Fred that Mary would come back and that they would be a happy family once more. He was wrong then. I came here not because I thought that he would have the magical recipe to my disaster of a life, but because I needed this very thing he was giving me. Familiarity, and I was so grateful for it. He closed his eyes and laid his head back on the couch. “Lets take a nap.” I agreed it was nearly 2 am after all, and laid my head back. He might not be the man with the answers but right now this feels pretty great. 

The next morning we wake up to the sound of the elevator coming up. For a moment my heart froze thinking it could be Juggie. It was Val with their daughter. I was relieved. Archie lit up when he saw his daughter. She was literally the reason for his being, and even though he was as deep as a puddle something about this moment made Betty feel happy for a change. Val and Archie where not longer together but they had Zoe while in college and they where both actually surprisingly great at co-parenting. Zoe was actually the flower girl at our wedding. She was the perfect blend of Archie and Val. She had Archies hair color and Vals eyes. Honestly one of the cutest kids I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. She was by far already smarter then Archie which was adorable to watch. Being young parents was definitely not a planned thing for either of them. I'm proud of what Archie has become. Becoming a dad at 21 while launching a music career all at the same time couldn’t have been easy. Specially while you’re doing all this with someone you aren’t even romantically involved with. Val and Archie had been each others occasional booty call when it happened. 

Now they’re both successful musicians who are nothing but supportive of each other and the best parents to Zoe. Archie always use to romanticized me and Jugheads relationship joking about how we where his goals for the future. Now I wonder what he truly things about us. I honestly feel like I just told him his parents where getting divorced once again. Before I can allow myself to delve back into my own problems i’m interrupted by Val and Archie standing in front of me. Val speaks up “Betty. I have a question for you. I know Jughead is going with Arch. I’m going to send Zoe for a month. I’m sure you’re going to visit Jughead I was wondering if you would be her guardian while on the plane? I can always change the date to whenever you’re going” Archie is giving me an apologetic look and mouthing sorry. I however can’t blame her there was no way she could have known. “Val. I would love to.” I say before thinking of what I just agreed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know if you like the first person point of view better. I think I actually prefer it.


	5. eyes opened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back once again. I think right now I am on a writing roll. Which I actually enjoy so here we go. I think I am going to continue with the first person point of view. I might at some point have a mixture of both.

"Thank God! I didn't want to send her as an unaccompanied minor," Val rejoiced. I being me nodded my head smiling. I had just agreed to take Zoe to meet up with Archie for a month. What was I supposed to do while I was there? Spend time with my ex-husband and best friend. That will be fun. "I'm actually going to be in SF for a while, but say come July I'm coming up for Ronnies and Cheryl's twins christening. Should work out fine." I explain. 

Val gives me a quick goodbye hug before explaining to Archie what Zoe's meal plan is now that she has decided to go vegan for a month as some sort of save the earth school project. As soon as Val leaves he walks over to me giving me his I'm sorry look. "Betty you know you don't have to. I'll talk to Val you can back out of this. It's not too late." I know it's not and even though I'm not necessarily excited for my very spontaneous trip. Part of me thinks that after the time apart I will grow to miss him and something might even spark again. I know it's a stupid thing to wish for. Trust me I wish I wasn't thinking this, but maybe? but also maybe the day will come and I won't feel this way anymore. I will just accept things for what they are. "Arch, honestly it's fine,"

I left quickly after that. Archie got a text from Jughead that he was only 5 minutes away and I took that as my cue to leave. This time I actually made it to Veronicas who pushed for details of what had happened. I filled her in. We wanted space. Or maybe I wanted space? It's hard to explain something so personal even to someone you're close with. Cheryl didn't say much or even pushed, she simply listened and gave me a very apologetic look. I don't know why we humans feel the need to be so sympathetic over things like someone else's failures. I know I'm guilty of the I'm so sorry face. The I feel you pain comments. Even when the truth is we don't. Not unless you have been through the exact same thing. Pain isn't felt the same way. So why do we apologize?

The truth is I'm already tired of having to explain this to people. I'm tired of the I'm so sorry comments. I just want to leave, and forget this part of my life if even for a moment, but here I am explaining it to other people and making plans to visit him already. Who am I? why is this a question that has become a statement in my life? I just want to go back to being Betty Cooper. Saying that I have to ask myself again who was I? I don't think I ever got to know myself I went from being Betty Cooper perfect girl next door to being Betty Cooper Jones. I feel like I never had my own identity. I was always being what other people wanted me to be. Even now I find myself craving other people's approval. 

For once in my life, I want to live for myself. I don't want to have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing or how it will affect my relationship with someone. As much as I loved Jughead I almost feel like I was lost because of us. Like I poured all of myself into him that I forgot to take care of me. He never asked me to, he never had to I wanted to. However, now I can't help but think maybe I'm so lost because all this time I was so worried about his growth I forgot to water myself.

I apologize to Veronica and Cheryl for my distraction and pretend to engage in some conversation about the babies christening party arrangements. I help pick out some nice flowers that cost more than my whole paycheck in a single table decoration. At some point, I even help put the babies to sleep. Any other time I would have melted at the smell and the sight of this perfect human in my arms, but tonight I couldn't feel a thing. I felt so desensitized so numbed. I wanted out. This picture perfect family brought me nothing put sadness. I excused myself for a moment going out to the balcony that had a picture perfect view of the city. The air felt like it was threating to suffocate me. I needed out of here as quick as possible. 

I might not know who I am exactly, but this right here is not me. I don't belong in this city. This is not my home. 

I come back inside to find Veronica staring at me with a look of concern her eyebrows tight together waiting for me to have a meltdown. "I need to go, Ronnie, I can't be here anymore. I need to go." I say picking up my suitcase. "You know I would never ask this of you if I didn't need it but I need a flight out tonight. I can't be here anymore. I swear this city is driving me crazy. Ronnie, I can't." she walks up to me rubbing my arms. "Betty you don't have to worry." She gestures to Cheryl "I'm taking her to the airport. I'll be back in a few." 

I didn't want to have to ask them for this, but Cheryl and Veronica are the only people I know who have a private jet waiting for them to command a flight at any moment and have it happen with a simple phone call. I would have never asked for this. I never want to be the kind of person who depends on anyone to do anything for me, but I swear if I don't get out I will go insane. This place. I need to leave. 

"Betty please talk to me," Ronnie begged, and I wanted to give her some sort of answer to stop her worrying. I just didn't know what the right answer was. I didn't want to fall apart in front of her. I didn't want to fall apart period. "Veronica I really appreciate this, but don't push me right now. I don't know what to tell you? I don't even know what I'm feeling. All I know is I want out of here." I yelled at her and it came out a little harsher than I wanted to but I am so tired I just need it to stop. 

The rest of the ride to the airport is pretty quiet, and feel bad about the way I treated her, but right now I'm worried about myself. This cloud that hangs over me is fucking suffocating me and I need it to stop. I need her to stop looking at me with those eyebrows that say so much. That concerned look. I need to get out this place. I just want to be someone else. 

Before I know it I'm on a plane leaving and this feeling isn't fading. The tears come shortly after that. This feeling is like nothing I have ever felt before. Like my whole life has been this huge mistake. Like I am drowning and I can't move. My limbs don't work and I know the inevitable is coming I'm going to drown and there is nothing I can do about it other than watch as it happens.


End file.
